At a certain age, hanging out with friends becomes more enjoyable at home. I learned this that one summer I had 27 guests come over in two months. I never thought of myself as an extrovert, but that summer had me Googling if you can turn into one later in life. Let me explain.
Planning dinner parties
Last summer, I moved into a bigger apartment that had space for hosting people over. Around the same time, a few of my friends moved into the same neighborhood. Put two and two together, and I was suddenly hosting regular get-togethers with a group of friends. In my early days of hosting, I called these gatherings the Planned Parties.
Planned Parties are just that: parties that you plan ahead—you invite your friends, they RSVP, and you plan your culinary spread after asking for their allergens and dietary restrictions; you also prepare a playlist. You bust out your extra table from storage to seat everyone, and clear the kitchen counter for buffet-style serving. You set a time for guests to arrive, and half an hour before that, you invert all your reed diffusers, light the house properly, and voila: the stage is set for a night of fun.
Game nights, birthday dinners, and friend group reunions all fall into this category, which is also what I think the internet means when you Google “how to host a dinner party with friends”—there’s social etiquette involved, with hosts and guests happy to play along. Growing up watching Ina Garten and Nigella Lawson, I loved hosting Planned Parties. In some of our parties, we mixed friend groups, and watching your old friends make new friends with your other friends was unexpectedly exciting.
I set up a candy bowl and a snack box for my friends to help themselves to, and ordered takeouts or food trays according to a menu theme. My friends reliably arrived 10 to 15 minutes within the call time, which I learned a hostess truly does appreciate. They came bearing gifts—mostly wine or dessert that everyone could share through the night. People ate, told stories, and some complimented the music (another thing this hostess appreciates—I worked hard on that!) At multiple points in these nights, people would break into smaller groups, chatting or playing a game of mahjong or contributing to the 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle at the corner of the living room. The night would wind down, everyone would start to leave, and as a hostess, I enjoyed this very specific point in time. I’d look around at the mess I had to clean up, but thought that it was well worth it.
Casually hanging out
Eventually, the Planned Parties ushered in a new kind of gathering, where a handful of people who were over often enough started to invite themselves whenever they were in the area. I call these the Casual Hangouts. These are all still mostly planned, but with shorter notice and less structure than the Planned Parties.
Casual Hangouts are when friends who haven’t been to the nearby weekend market decides to make an event of it, and we eat the Middle Eastern pizza from the corner stall at the apartment after. Sometimes a friend will say, “Hey, I’m coming into the office tomorrow, can a friend and I hang out at yours after work?”
Because of the short notice, Casual Hangouts tend to be with a smaller group. And because there’s not much time to prepare, potlucks or delivery are normal. A formal wine offering to the hostess is now replaced with a more casual pizza box or chicken wings. Some friends come over to these Casual Hangouts with treats to replenish our candy bowl and snack box, making them fully communal. The space now feels familiar to everyone; the reed diffusers can sometimes be left unturned. Over food delivery we all decided on together, we share stories to pass the time without much pressure for any planned activity; just simply hanging out.
Spontaneously showing up
One night, I received a text from a friend: “Are you asleep? Can we get dessert?” Not yet asleep, we had dessert 20 minutes later. I’ve sent similar texts myself: “I’m cooking picadillo, do you want to have dinner here? It’ll be ready in 30 minutes.” I call these gatherings Spontaneous Show Ups, usually one-on-ones with the closest of friends.
These ones are quite literally spontaneous; I have time to kill, I’m passing traffic, I just happen to be here. The most heartwarming ones are when I get a notification that says, “I had a good/bad day, do you have time? Can I come over?”
Ironically, Spontaneous Show Ups don’t happen quickly. They are a result of relationships that were nurtured through time. All the social etiquette of the Planned Parties and even the bare minimum planning of Casual Hangouts fall to the wayside. Sometimes, the candy bowl is nearly empty, the reed diffusers are out of your best scents, and you are washing the dishes in your house clothes as they come in the door.
People show up without warning because they believe they are welcome; as a hostess, you don’t feel any pressure to impress or make people feel at home because you know they already do. You don’t ask about their food allergens because you already know them. They can show up empty-handed, and you can serve leftover cake.
Last summer, I learned that there are many ways to have company over— big planned parties, laidback hangouts, or more personal one-on-ones. I learned that letting people into your home is metaphorically like letting people into your life. There’s a level of vulnerability that comes with hosting gatherings, but in my experience, you are rewarded with fostered connections. Not all gatherings are the same, but ultimately, they all nurture your relationships and build your community.
These days, I’ve stopped counting how many guests have passed through my door. My friends know they’re welcome, and whether it’s for game night, dinner, or ice cream after a long day, I’m always happy to have them come over.
